A Church, A Courthouse, and Goodbye

Dear Rural Mom,

Wow! What a great post you wrote below on marriage and other relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and most definitely agree 100%.

I do have to say I knew most of the advice you gave. Of course looking in hindsight, knowing, doing, and grasping are completely different things.

You and I have gone back and forth, up and down, and all around on the factors and influences that lead to my marriage and ultimately to my divorce.

I’m slowly accepting the fact there will be no definite answer. There will only be theories. And since I’m not a fan of repeating mistakes I know I’ll always wonder. Always reflect. Always question. Something I wish I would have done more before I agreed to marry . . .I’ve always had an analytical nature but my marriage definitely upped it 200%. There is nothing worse than finding yourself struggling to breath as you realize the very thing you committed to do ‘til death do you part’ – may just be the death of you. Corny as it sounds – it is Truth – and there is hardly any other way to describe it.

So, Rural Mom, you wrote a list of tips and sound advice for my next relationship. I suppose it would only make sense for me to respond with a few encouraging words for surviving a divorce.

Although as I sit here fingers poised ready to pound out the thoughts in my head – I’m not sure if I’m really qualified. I chose to divorce my husband. To me that means my grieving might be different for those who had no choice. Such as my best friend whose husband chose to leave her. While she and I were in the same divorce boat, how we got there, is different. The reality of her situation hit her full force all in one day, but for people like me, the reality of the inevitable was a gradual realization I grieved and dealt with on a daily basis before it actually came to fruition.

This post may be applicable to all divorcees, but it is most definitely geared towards the women (or men) who realized they had taken the wrong road and found the courage to do something about it.

So ladies and gents, after we have sat in a paralyzed stump unable to move, after we have used box after box of Kleenex, and after we have taken advantage of the unending love and support of friends who painstakingly held our hands and patted our heads – let us wipe our eyes, blow our noses, and look behind us at the path we chose so we can better navigate and travel our new path.

I cannot stress the importance of self reflection. Forget what YOUR spouse did. Figure out what YOU did. Ask yourself some of the following questions:

1. WHY did I choose to marry?
2. WHAT did I expect from my marriage? From my spouse? From myself?
3. DID I do all I could within my power to own up to my commitment?

Grasp the fact that the only way the grass will be greener in a new relationship is if you figured out what killed the grass in your previous one.

Second, embrace each emotion. Do not run away from what brings tears to your eyes, sadness to your heart, an ache in your soul. Put on that band aid during the day, but remember to take it off at night so you can start to heal.

Be confident in the choice you made. Do not let the word “divorce” cause you shame. Embrace the word and walk with your head held high. Everyone will have their own judgments and opinion on what shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Do not shame yourself; shame them instead for giving too much attention to YOU instead of to themselves. Point the finger back and remind them to figure out what to do with their own lives instead of trying to figure what you should do with yours.

The truth is my friend, they didn’t lie in your bed at night. They didn’t wipe away the tears that fell down your cheek as you cried yourself to sleep. They didn’t feel the loneliness you felt, the ache you ignored, the emptiness you kept trying to fill.

They cannot, do not, and will never ever be able to grasp what went on behind closed doors. Permit yourself a pity party once in awhile but then put on your party hat and allow yourself to smile. Allow yourself to radiate the happiness you feel. And if you are the one who didn’t have a choice in the divorce? Trust that love and happiness will come again.

The birth of love starts with a feeling. That feeling is a seed. And love isn’t limited to only one seedling. Sometimes it takes us a few go arounds before we find the ultimate match.

Have faith my friends.

It IS better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

xoxo,
Yuppie Girl

Rural Mom vs. HER Mom

A lot has changed since my Mother's day, I think.  Oh, yes, some things stay the same, but the nuts and bolts of every day life can be very different for this current crop of middle-aged moms.  Some of the lessons I learned from Momma serve me well every day, even all these years later.  Some things in my life are so different from hers that we could never hope to see eye-to-eye.

A is for Attire:  I've never even tried on a girdle, let alone owned one.  In Momma's day, a woman who went bare-legged (except at the beach) was scandalous.  Bare shoulders were fine, though.  Now I never wear pantyhose to the office, but I would not wear an off-the-shoulder top.  I don't believe my Momma ever owned a pair of jeans, but you'lll never find me in elastic-waist pants...except yoga pants on schlumpy-day.

B is for Bedroom:  Momma didn't talk about this.  I swear to all good things that this is how THE TALK went with me.  (A lot of hmmm-ing and haw-ing and blushing...)  Momma told me that after a man and woman had been married a while  (really, Momma?  after a while???), if they wanted to start a family....(more awkward pausing) the man takes the place where he pees and puts it where she pees and she has a baby nine months later.  She said this as quickly as possible and then darted from the room.  OK, I'm exaggerating about the darting.  But sex was talked about and treated as an unpleasantly required duty.  Momma missed out on a lot, I think.

C is for Career:  My Momma was a SAHM always.  Ever and always.  I got my ten years in as a SAHM, but then the budget got tight enough that something was going to have to snap.  So I went back to work.  Momma never understood that.  How could she?  It was never a requirement for her.  The conundrum is, Grandma understood perfectly.  She'd had to work because she was bringing up children during the depression years.

D is for Denial:  Momma grew up in the days when "Don't ask, don't tell" applied to most things in life.  Feigned ignorance, don't look at it and it will go away-- sweet, blissful denial.  She looked the other way when we smoked pot, because she didn't want to know.   If something was too difficult, you simply didn't confront it.  Well, at least, SHE didn't.  What I wouldn't give to learn that trick now!

E if for Education:  Here's something that has changed little.  Momma thought that half your education happened in the classroom.  The other half came from home and the outside world.  Now schools want to try to be responsible for 100% of the education of our children, but they're only getting about 25% of it done.  Momma taught me how to cook and sew and tend the home LONG before I got into home economics.  I already knew how to read and write before kindergarten.  I knew about history from the lives of my ancestors, and I knew about science from hunting and fishing and livestock and gardening and sitting out on the porch at night while Daddy pointed out the constellations. 

F is for Fairness:  Momma always told me that life wasn't fair.  Nothing has changed.

G is for God:  Momma thought that your relationship with God was forged inside the walls of your favorite house of worship.  I think those walls are completely unneccesary and even a detriment to true faith.

H is for Hormones:  The Big M.  Spoken of only in whispers.  If your doctor gave you hormones to help you during the dreaded change, you kissed his hands and thanked heaven for an understanding doctor.  Believe it or not, some doctors prescribed Valium when their middle-aged female patients told of hot flashes, insomnia, mood swings, night sweats and an overwhelming desire to slap the shit of someone....anyone.  Wow am I ever happy that attitude has changed!  How could I possibly do my job on Valium?

I is for Intelligence:  My Momma has actually said to me, "Boys don't like girls who are too smart."  I rest my case.

J is for Join.  Momma's generation were great joiners.  I think it's because if they didn't join some committee or league or club, they would have to stay home and contemplate their housework.  Some women my age have inherited this, but many more of us seem to get all the outside interaction we need at work.  In THAT way, I'm a stay at home kind of Mom.

K is for Kids:  My brothers were brought up to know how to do boy things.  We girls were raised to know how to manage a household.  I turned away from that philosophy on purpose.   I wanted them to know how to fix their cars and plumbing and building and hunting and fishing. It was also important to me that my sons know how to do their own laundry, including the ironing, to be able to prepare a decent meal, to figure out how to negotiate a grocery store.  Because THIS Momma isn't going to be babying those little fledglings when they fly the nest.

L is for Love:  Momma always told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  She was wrong.  See B.

M is for Masturbation.  OK.  Never mind.  I bet you can figure this one out for yourself.

N is for Nice.  Nice girls don't wear red nail polish.  Nice girls wear high collars.  Nice girls never swear.  Nice girls nice girls nice girls.  How about real WOMEN?  I don't cuss in mixed company, although I am fluent in that language, too.  I do wear red polish and I do have boob shirts, even though I don't wear them to work or PTA meetings.  If I went to PTA meetings, that is.  And I'm nice.  I am!  I'm as faithful as an old dog, I treat my husband nice in all the right ways and I'm a friend you can count on.  The heck with nice girls.  I'd rather be a real woman.

O is for Orgasm.  Did she?  I doubt it.  I do.  Lots.

P is for Polite:  One day Mr. Rural and I went to a pizza buffet restaurant for lunch.  There was only ONE, count them, ONE bread stick left in the bin.  Momma's voice came through, loud and clear, "don't take that!  It's the last one!"  Now, I believe in manners, and I would not take the last Coors Light out of the fridge without checking to see if Mr. Rural wants half.  But I paid my $5.99 and I took the last bread stick.  So there, mom!!

Q is for Quiet.  Children were to be seen and not heard.  At all times.  If we wanted to run around like a bunch of wild animals, we could darn well go down to the creek and do that.  She may have had a point there.

R is for Respect.  My children know that they better trot out the old, "Yes Ma'am" when I'm mad, but the rest of the time, we can joke around together.  I couldn't kid much with Momma until I hit 30.

S is for Supervision:  On any summer day, we had our breakfast and did our chores and we were free for the rest of the day.  (I figured out later on that Momma was also therefore ...free).  As long as we were home by dark-thirty, it was fine.  Can you imagine doing that now?  Oh, what a simpler time that was!

T is for Tension:  In some ways, I wonder if my Momma ever really knew what stress was.  She had her trials I know.  How is it, though, that I do very nearly all the same things Momma did and a full time career, too?  I can apples in the fall and I make bread on the weekends and I sew my own clothes.  I have half as many children as she did, of course.  My momma didn't have any hobbies, really, though and we lived too far out in the country for her to do any kind of weekly activity outside the home.  She read a lot.  Yeah.  I don't have time to read.  It must be that.

U is for Underwear:   We covered the girdle already (LOL).  Momma would be astonished at my lingerie.  My unmentionables are designed to show things off, not squeeze them, point them, flatten them or conceal them.  They come in pretty colors and wild prints and none of them cross my heart.  (Do you remember when bras were shown on mannequins or models, OVER their leotards?  Ha ha ha.  )

V is for Valium:  I don't know if this is an improvement over Momma's day or not.  Women today are not given a get-out-of-jail-free card called "hysteria" for our bad behavior.  I don't want to stray onto a soap box here, because I do NOT believe that women patients are taken as seriously by the medical community as men are.  But generally speaking, when life gets us down now, we don't get to call it a nervous condition or whatever.  We have to down our Cabernet and get on with life.  There isn't any time for a breakdown anymore.  Hey!  That's a full circle, because we're back to the pioneer days!

W is for Wallet:  Most of us don't have to ask the breadwinner for our weekly allowance anymore.  A great many of us ARE the breadwinner, sole or major, either one.  And guess what!  Women can manage finances as well as men do!

X is for X-rated:  Momma would never have permitted a Playboy magazine in the house.  If anything half-way "racy" came across the airwaves, someone got up and changed the channel (do you remember having to do that?)  Who cares now?  I'm old enough to have figured out that my sons can get their hands on such things pretty easily.  It's more about the example they have in life.  Let them have the illusion for a while that women really look like that.

Z is for Zero.  That's how many ideas I have for a Z word.

Love,
Rural Mom

Ideas About Marriage (and other relationships)

Dear Yuppie Girl,

You didn't ask me, but as you know....that's never stopped me from telling you.  :D  As your marriage is ending and you face the prospect of new relationships, I wondered what advice I would give you if I were really your Mom.  Well, since I'm your self-appointed Mom, I also granted myself the right to share some of my hare-brained notions with you.

I've been thinking about some of the things I have learned over the 25 years of my marriage.  I don't exactly feel qualified to give marriage advice, since every marriage is different.  And I am certainly not trying to say, hint, whisper, intimate or pretend that our marriage has been 100% smooth sailing.  We had our stuff to work out, and I'm sure we'll have things to work out in the future. 

However, we have figured out a thing or two that either worked well, or was so disastrous that we'll never do it again.  Happily, we also learned a lot by the mistakes of others, and so decided to never do certain things.  These are NOT in any kind of order of priority....just a random jotting down of some of our decisions over the years.  Maybe these tips would only really work if you start out a relationship with them in mind. But maybe not. Maybe any marriage can find a message in here.

• We agreed from the beginning that we were not going to throw the "D word" around carelessly.  Words have power and if marital arguments include threats of divorce, eventually that starts working around in your brain.  The more you say it, the more approachable and acceptable it becomes.  I think it's almost like you are talking yourself into it.  On the flip side, if you keep hearing the word thrown around, you start thinking they really mean it.  We wanted to make sure that if the D word ever showed up, we would know to take it very seriously.
• Because words do have so much power, be mindful of your words!  It isn't only what you say, it's how you say it.  There is a world of difference between saying, "Is something wrong?" and "What's your problem?"  On the other hand, if your spouse asks you what your problem is, maybe he wants to know what is wrong, and is just being careless about how he says it.  Try to hear things in the most positive way possible, before you rip off his head.
• We also started out with an agreement that a bar is not a good place to nurture a marriage.  Mr. Rural watched his parents and a lot of their friends split up, and the first fissures started in the bar.  Everyone got friendly, inhibitions loosened up and decision-making skills faltered in a fog of inebriation.  We weren't willing to throw away our marriage on a lifestyle of poor choices.  Though we do occasionally go out, it is very rare that we go to a bar.  Besides, who needs a DUI?
• This tidbit came from my Mom:  if you can't live with the person's flaws, habits, etc. RIGHT NOW, then don't marry them.  If you marry someone with the intention of changing them or "fixing" them, then don't bother getting married.   Mr. Rural doesn't exactly agree with this advice, because he is more of a black-and-white person than I am.  He believes that you can expect certain changes and should.  He is right about that, but I am talking more about the basic qualities of a person.  If I was irritated by a man who did everything like he was a mission, I would be stark raving mad my now.  I also think that if you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your loved one's appearance, you darn well better make peace with it.  If you find yourself forever wishing he had blond hair or she had a J-Lo butt, either get over it or get gone.  Big trees of discontentment can grow from little seeds of displeasure.  Sort it out early.
• No name-calling.  No a-hole, bitch, nag, bastard, jerk, nothing.  Long after the fight is over, the name will be remembered and it will still hurt.  Don't do it.
• Put your marriage first.  Before your friends, before your birth family, before your children.  All the rest will enjoy a better relationship with you if you have your priorities straight.  Obviously, I don't mean that you should neglect your children or your parents.  Let them come between you, though, and I promise you will see the wisdom of my words.  How many couples do you know who look up one day after the children are gone, and don't know what to say to each other?  Don't let that happen to you.
• Be respectful.  Don't blab the secrets of your spouse, or private matters.  Don't speak poorly or make fun of your spouse behind their back.  Speak respectfully to them.  Even when you're mad at them.  Pay attention to them when they speak to you.  (I have a little trouble with this one.... my scattered brain can sometimes have trouble narrowing down to just the one conversation.  Buy I try!).
• Never ever EVER discount the importance of your sex life.  There.  I said it.  It matters a lot.  To be very blunt, good sex can give you a reason, even the reason, to weather the storms.  Forget the excuses, make it a priority and put as much of your heart and soul into your sex life as you do everything else. 
• One of the things that was the most difficult for me was reconciling my expectations with the realities.  I expected Mr. Rural to do things or say things that were what I thought defined love.  He did other things instead, and I failed to notice what he was doing.  The reverse is also true.  I was showing him love in the way I expected to be shown, and not always in the ways that were meaningful to him.  (See previous tip!!)  In a perfect world, you will both figure out a good balance between getting the demonstrations of love that mean the most to you, while giving the ones that mean the most to them.
• This is going to sound like it's straight out of the 50s, but stay with me.  I really truly believe that those little demonstrations of connectedness are very important.  Taking a moment to throw on some blush, or to tuck your shirt back in, to get off your bottom and go kiss him goodbye, or opening the door for her....those little things are the things that show your spouse that they are present in your thoughts.  Make the effort to do your makeup even when you're staying home all weekend, or remembering to splash on a little cologne or whatever reminds your spouse that THEY ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.  If you are willing to put some effort into going to work or to the mall, you should put at least that much effort into staying home with your love.  I can't tell you what specific things are going to make the difference to them, I can only promise you that no one likes to be on the bottom of a priority list.
• To women:  men are comparitively simple.  They might seem hard to figure out, but trust me.  When a man seems distant and unloving, it probably just means that he got his clock cleaned at basketball.  If all fails, fall back on the trusty BJ and see if things don't get back on course.  If he asks you if you're OK and you say, "I'm fine.", he will accept that answer at face value.  You know you aren't fine, so just balls up, girlfriend, and tell him what you want him to know.  It isn't fair to expect him to navigate the estrogen-waters of your complicated heart.  Just tell him.
• To men:  we don't mind you checking out other women NEARLY as much if you make us feel beautiful every day.  If you're in a bad mood because you missed your a shot at a deer, tell us that so that we don't wander off down bunny trails of implied problems.  Never, ever offer us a Midol when we're mad at you, even if you are 100% sure it's PMS talking.  And do not confuse a need to vent with a request for a solution.  
• One last word of (dare I say it?) advice.  Be careful about criticizing your spouse's parents or siblings.  Tell me that you hate my Mom, and you are basically saying that you hate half of me.  Treacherous ground, wouldn't you say?

Love,
Rural Mom