Wow! What a great post you wrote below on marriage and other relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and most definitely agree 100%.
I do have to say I knew most of the advice you gave. Of course looking in hindsight, knowing, doing, and grasping are completely different things.
You and I have gone back and forth, up and down, and all around on the factors and influences that lead to my marriage and ultimately to my divorce.
I’m slowly accepting the fact there will be no definite answer. There will only be theories. And since I’m not a fan of repeating mistakes I know I’ll always wonder. Always reflect. Always question. Something I wish I would have done more before I agreed to marry . . .I’ve always had an analytical nature but my marriage definitely upped it 200%. There is nothing worse than finding yourself struggling to breath as you realize the very thing you committed to do ‘til death do you part’ – may just be the death of you. Corny as it sounds – it is Truth – and there is hardly any other way to describe it.
So, Rural Mom, you wrote a list of tips and sound advice for my next relationship. I suppose it would only make sense for me to respond with a few encouraging words for surviving a divorce.
Although as I sit here fingers poised ready to pound out the thoughts in my head – I’m not sure if I’m really qualified. I chose to divorce my husband. To me that means my grieving might be different for those who had no choice. Such as my best friend whose husband chose to leave her. While she and I were in the same divorce boat, how we got there, is different. The reality of her situation hit her full force all in one day, but for people like me, the reality of the inevitable was a gradual realization I grieved and dealt with on a daily basis before it actually came to fruition.
This post may be applicable to all divorcees, but it is most definitely geared towards the women (or men) who realized they had taken the wrong road and found the courage to do something about it.
So ladies and gents, after we have sat in a paralyzed stump unable to move, after we have used box after box of Kleenex, and after we have taken advantage of the unending love and support of friends who painstakingly held our hands and patted our heads – let us wipe our eyes, blow our noses, and look behind us at the path we chose so we can better navigate and travel our new path.
I cannot stress the importance of self reflection. Forget what YOUR spouse did. Figure out what YOU did. Ask yourself some of the following questions:
1. WHY did I choose to marry?
2. WHAT did I expect from my marriage? From my spouse? From myself?
3. DID I do all I could within my power to own up to my commitment?
Grasp the fact that the only way the grass will be greener in a new relationship is if you figured out what killed the grass in your previous one.
Second, embrace each emotion. Do not run away from what brings tears to your eyes, sadness to your heart, an ache in your soul. Put on that band aid during the day, but remember to take it off at night so you can start to heal.
Be confident in the choice you made. Do not let the word “divorce” cause you shame. Embrace the word and walk with your head held high. Everyone will have their own judgments and opinion on what shoulda, woulda, coulda.
Do not shame yourself; shame them instead for giving too much attention to YOU instead of to themselves. Point the finger back and remind them to figure out what to do with their own lives instead of trying to figure what you should do with yours.
The truth is my friend, they didn’t lie in your bed at night. They didn’t wipe away the tears that fell down your cheek as you cried yourself to sleep. They didn’t feel the loneliness you felt, the ache you ignored, the emptiness you kept trying to fill.
They cannot, do not, and will never ever be able to grasp what went on behind closed doors. Permit yourself a pity party once in awhile but then put on your party hat and allow yourself to smile. Allow yourself to radiate the happiness you feel. And if you are the one who didn’t have a choice in the divorce? Trust that love and happiness will come again.
The birth of love starts with a feeling. That feeling is a seed. And love isn’t limited to only one seedling. Sometimes it takes us a few go arounds before we find the ultimate match.
Have faith my friends.
It IS better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
xoxo,
Yuppie Girl
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