You didn't ask me, but as you know....that's never stopped me from telling you. :D As your marriage is ending and you face the prospect of new relationships, I wondered what advice I would give you if I were really your Mom. Well, since I'm your self-appointed Mom, I also granted myself the right to share some of my hare-brained notions with you.
I've been thinking about some of the things I have learned over the 25 years of my marriage. I don't exactly feel qualified to give marriage advice, since every marriage is different. And I am certainly not trying to say, hint, whisper, intimate or pretend that our marriage has been 100% smooth sailing. We had our stuff to work out, and I'm sure we'll have things to work out in the future.
However, we have figured out a thing or two that either worked well, or was so disastrous that we'll never do it again. Happily, we also learned a lot by the mistakes of others, and so decided to never do certain things. These are NOT in any kind of order of priority....just a random jotting down of some of our decisions over the years. Maybe these tips would only really work if you start out a relationship with them in mind. But maybe not. Maybe any marriage can find a message in here.
- We agreed from the beginning that we were not going to throw the "D word" around carelessly. Words have power and if marital arguments include threats of divorce, eventually that starts working around in your brain. The more you say it, the more approachable and acceptable it becomes. I think it's almost like you are talking yourself into it. On the flip side, if you keep hearing the word thrown around, you start thinking they really mean it. We wanted to make sure that if the D word ever showed up, we would know to take it very seriously.
- Because words do have so much power, be mindful of your words! It isn't only what you say, it's how you say it. There is a world of difference between saying, "Is something wrong?" and "What's your problem?" On the other hand, if your spouse asks you what your problem is, maybe he wants to know what is wrong, and is just being careless about how he says it. Try to hear things in the most positive way possible, before you rip off his head.
- We also started out with an agreement that a bar is not a good place to nurture a marriage. Mr. Rural watched his parents and a lot of their friends split up, and the first fissures started in the bar. Everyone got friendly, inhibitions loosened up and decision-making skills faltered in a fog of inebriation. We weren't willing to throw away our marriage on a lifestyle of poor choices. Though we do occasionally go out, it is very rare that we go to a bar. Besides, who needs a DUI?
- This tidbit came from my Mom: if you can't live with the person's flaws, habits, etc. RIGHT NOW, then don't marry them. If you marry someone with the intention of changing them or "fixing" them, then don't bother getting married. Mr. Rural doesn't exactly agree with this advice, because he is more of a black-and-white person than I am. He believes that you can expect certain changes and should. He is right about that, but I am talking more about the basic qualities of a person. If I was irritated by a man who did everything like he was a mission, I would be stark raving mad my now. I also think that if you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your loved one's appearance, you darn well better make peace with it. If you find yourself forever wishing he had blond hair or she had a J-Lo butt, either get over it or get gone. Big trees of discontentment can grow from little seeds of displeasure. Sort it out early.
- No name-calling. No a-hole, bitch, nag, bastard, jerk, nothing. Long after the fight is over, the name will be remembered and it will still hurt. Don't do it.
- Put your marriage first. Before your friends, before your birth family, before your children. All the rest will enjoy a better relationship with you if you have your priorities straight. Obviously, I don't mean that you should neglect your children or your parents. Let them come between you, though, and I promise you will see the wisdom of my words. How many couples do you know who look up one day after the children are gone, and don't know what to say to each other? Don't let that happen to you.
- Be respectful. Don't blab the secrets of your spouse, or private matters. Don't speak poorly or make fun of your spouse behind their back. Speak respectfully to them. Even when you're mad at them. Pay attention to them when they speak to you. (I have a little trouble with this one.... my scattered brain can sometimes have trouble narrowing down to just the one conversation. Buy I try!).
- Never ever EVER discount the importance of your sex life. There. I said it. It matters a lot. To be very blunt, good sex can give you a reason, even the reason, to weather the storms. Forget the excuses, make it a priority and put as much of your heart and soul into your sex life as you do everything else.
- One of the things that was the most difficult for me was reconciling my expectations with the realities. I expected Mr. Rural to do things or say things that were what I thought defined love. He did other things instead, and I failed to notice what he was doing. The reverse is also true. I was showing him love in the way I expected to be shown, and not always in the ways that were meaningful to him. (See previous tip!!) In a perfect world, you will both figure out a good balance between getting the demonstrations of love that mean the most to you, while giving the ones that mean the most to them.
- This is going to sound like it's straight out of the 50s, but stay with me. I really truly believe that those little demonstrations of connectedness are very important. Taking a moment to throw on some blush, or to tuck your shirt back in, to get off your bottom and go kiss him goodbye, or opening the door for her....those little things are the things that show your spouse that they are present in your thoughts. Make the effort to do your makeup even when you're staying home all weekend, or remembering to splash on a little cologne or whatever reminds your spouse that THEY ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. If you are willing to put some effort into going to work or to the mall, you should put at least that much effort into staying home with your love. I can't tell you what specific things are going to make the difference to them, I can only promise you that no one likes to be on the bottom of a priority list.
- To women: men are comparitively simple. They might seem hard to figure out, but trust me. When a man seems distant and unloving, it probably just means that he got his clock cleaned at basketball. If all fails, fall back on the trusty BJ and see if things don't get back on course. If he asks you if you're OK and you say, "I'm fine.", he will accept that answer at face value. You know you aren't fine, so just balls up, girlfriend, and tell him what you want him to know. It isn't fair to expect him to navigate the estrogen-waters of your complicated heart. Just tell him.
- To men: we don't mind you checking out other women NEARLY as much if you make us feel beautiful every day. If you're in a bad mood because you missed your a shot at a deer, tell us that so that we don't wander off down bunny trails of implied problems. Never, ever offer us a Midol when we're mad at you, even if you are 100% sure it's PMS talking. And do not confuse a need to vent with a request for a solution.
- One last word of (dare I say it?) advice. Be careful about criticizing your spouse's parents or siblings. Tell me that you hate my Mom, and you are basically saying that you hate half of me. Treacherous ground, wouldn't you say?
Rural Mom
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