Generation Gap Girls

Long Time Since We've Talked

2010-08-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Yuppie Girl;

Hello, my little cupcake! It's been a long time since we've chatted this way! Since we both agreed that we need to catch Generation Gap Girls up, I thought I'd start with a question you asked me the other day.

Now that Mr. Rural and I are officially empty-nesters, you asked me if the adjustment to an empty nest was anything like the adjustment it took when our nest first had a baby bird in it.

Maybe in some ways there is a similarity. Each change requires a rethinking of your priorities, and your time and your MONEY! But that's where the commonality ends.

Having a baby is actually a lot of pretty small incremental steps to change. You bring home this tiny, needful bundle of funny smells and unusual sounds, and your heart just swells with love of the most profound sort. He sleeps a lot, and you do too at first because it was so much work to get him here. Your family and friends gather around and bring you meals, maybe. But the biggest change is the multiplication of love that happens so suddenly. It's you, your beloved and your darling baby. Babies needs are so simple at first, and you're content to just hold them for hour after hour.

Their needs grow as they do, and then they reach the tipping point: right around 16 years old, their needs start to wane. They start taking care of themselves more. At least, that's what they think. Mom and Dad still think they need a lot of advice and guidance, which falls on their deaf teenage ears, which makes us talk more, which makes them listen less.

And then they're gone. Even if it takes them a month to actually move all of their belongings, they themselves are there and then not. Off in their own life. Responsible for their own decisions. Did they listen to the lectures? Mom and Dad don't know because teenagers are MASTERS at the poker-face.

We're proud of our baby birds, and we feel good about where they will go in their lives. We have high expectations and we are excited for them. They are embarking on the most exciting times of their lives. We just have to have faith that we did a good job raising them and that they got all the lessons they needed.

Was it the same level of adjustment? Not really. I think the power of parental love makes filling the nest an easy transition, and that same parental love makes emptying the nest a wrenching experience. And this too, shall pass. :-)

Love,
Rural Mom

Private Events in Public Places

2010-04-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

Good Morning, Yuppie Girl!

The title of your last post made me think. "A Church, A Courthouse and Goodbye". Isn't it interesting that in our society, we have to do these private things in such public places?

Oh, sure, I realize that the idea of the church wedding, and celebrating your new union in the sight of all your loved ones, is supposed to be a joyous occasion. But I wonder, how would it affect the notion of marriage if we had a different expectation for the wedding?

We make a promise on our wedding day. We promise to love and honor this person and to put them before all others. Is that something that would be better said in private? Would we be better able to hash out the details of what marriage will mean to the two of us, if we just went into a little room somewhere and made a contract?

What about divorce? If divorce was a quiet, private arrangement and no one else got involved, would that lessen the pain of it all?

In our world of legal rights and responsibilities, this would never work.. Still, I have to wonder. If the definition of your relationship with someone was a private matter, and it was considered prying to be asked, how would that change us? You would never ask even a close friend about their intimate habits, or to define their orgasms for you. At least, you shouldn't.

We do live in a very public culture, though. People will admit things on a nationally televised talk show that I would have trouble admitting to myself. Whatever is shocking, embarrassing, titillating or tantalizing is fair game now. I don't believe it's helping our society at all.

So here's what I think. Maybe we need to rethink our cultural boundaries. Maybe we need to revitalize the idea of privacy. Maybe we all need to learn to stop prying into other people's business, stop judging their decisions and start attending to our own life. Maybe we should start focusing more on other aspects of a couple's relationship than on the beginning....or the end.

Love,
Rural Mom

A Church, A Courthouse, and Goodbye

2010-03-24T20:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Rural Mom,

Wow! What a great post you wrote below on marriage and other relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and most definitely agree 100%.

I do have to say I knew most of the advice you gave. Of course looking in hindsight, knowing, doing, and grasping are completely different things.

You and I have gone back and forth, up and down, and all around on the factors and influences that lead to my marriage and ultimately to my divorce.

I’m slowly accepting the fact there will be no definite answer. There will only be theories. And since I’m not a fan of repeating mistakes I know I’ll always wonder. Always reflect. Always question. Something I wish I would have done more before I agreed to marry . . .I’ve always had an analytical nature but my marriage definitely upped it 200%. There is nothing worse than finding yourself struggling to breath as you realize the very thing you committed to do ‘til death do you part’ – may just be the death of you. Corny as it sounds – it is Truth – and there is hardly any other way to describe it.

So, Rural Mom, you wrote a list of tips and sound advice for my next relationship. I suppose it would only make sense for me to respond with a few encouraging words for surviving a divorce.

Although as I sit here fingers poised ready to pound out the thoughts in my head – I’m not sure if I’m really qualified. I chose to divorce my husband. To me that means my grieving might be different for those who had no choice. Such as my best friend whose husband chose to leave her. While she and I were in the same divorce boat, how we got there, is different. The reality of her situation hit her full force all in one day, but for people like me, the reality of the inevitable was a gradual realization I grieved and dealt with on a daily basis before it actually came to fruition.

This post may be applicable to all divorcees, but it is most definitely geared towards the women (or men) who realized they had taken the wrong road and found the courage to do something about it.

So ladies and gents, after we have sat in a paralyzed stump unable to move, after we have used box after box of Kleenex, and after we have taken advantage of the unending love and support of friends who painstakingly held our hands and patted our heads – let us wipe our eyes, blow our noses, and look behind us at the path we chose so we can better navigate and travel our new path.

I cannot stress the importance of self reflection. Forget what YOUR spouse did. Figure out what YOU did. Ask yourself some of the following questions:

1. WHY did I choose to marry?
2. WHAT did I expect from my marriage? From my spouse? From myself?
3. DID I do all I could within my power to own up to my commitment?

Grasp the fact that the only way the grass will be greener in a new relationship is if you figured out what killed the grass in your previous one.

Second, embrace each emotion. Do not run away from what brings tears to your eyes, sadness to your heart, an ache in your soul. Put on that band aid during the day, but remember to take it off at night so you can start to heal.

Be confident in the choice you made. Do not let the word “divorce” cause you shame. Embrace the word and walk with your head held high. Everyone will have their own judgments and opinion on what shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Do not shame yourself; shame them instead for giving too much attention to YOU instead of to themselves. Point the finger back and remind them to figure out what to do with their own lives instead of trying to figure what you should do with yours.

The truth is my friend, they didn’t lie in your bed at night. They didn’t wipe away the tears that fell down your cheek as you cried yourself to sleep. They didn’t feel the loneliness you felt, the ache you ignored, the emptiness you kept trying to fill.

They cannot, do not, and will never ever be able to grasp what went on behind closed doors. Permit yourself a pity party once in awhile but then put on your party hat and allow yourself to smile. Allow yourself to radiate the happiness you feel. And if you are the one who didn’t have a choice in the divorce? Trust that love and happiness will come again.

The birth of love starts with a feeling. That feeling is a seed. And love isn’t limited to only one seedling. Sometimes it takes us a few go arounds before we find the ultimate match.

Have faith my friends.

It IS better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

xoxo,
Yuppie Girl

Rural Mom vs. HER Mom

2010-03-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

A lot has changed since my Mother's day, I think. Oh, yes, some things stay the same, but the nuts and bolts of every day life can be very different for this current crop of middle-aged moms. Some of the lessons I learned from Momma serve me well every day, even all these years later. Some things in my life are so different from hers that we could never hope to see eye-to-eye.

A is for Attire: I've never even tried on a girdle, let alone owned one. In Momma's day, a woman who went bare-legged (except at the beach) was scandalous. Bare shoulders were fine, though. Now I never wear pantyhose to the office, but I would not wear an off-the-shoulder top. I don't believe my Momma ever owned a pair of jeans, but you'lll never find me in elastic-waist pants...except yoga pants on schlumpy-day.

B is for Bedroom: Momma didn't talk about this. I swear to all good things that this is how THE TALK went with me. (A lot of hmmm-ing and haw-ing and blushing...) Momma told me that after a man and woman had been married a while (really, Momma? after a while???), if they wanted to start a family....(more awkward pausing) the man takes the place where he pees and puts it where she pees and she has a baby nine months later. She said this as quickly as possible and then darted from the room. OK, I'm exaggerating about the darting. But sex was talked about and treated as an unpleasantly required duty. Momma missed out on a lot, I think.

C is for Career: My Momma was a SAHM always. Ever and always. I got my ten years in as a SAHM, but then the budget got tight enough that something was going to have to snap. So I went back to work. Momma never understood that. How could she? It was never a requirement for her. The conundrum is, Grandma understood perfectly. She'd had to work because she was bringing up children during the depression years.

D is for Denial: Momma grew up in the days when "Don't ask, don't tell" applied to most things in life. Feigned ignorance, don't look at it and it will go away-- sweet, blissful denial. She looked the other way when we smoked pot, because she didn't want to know.   If something was too difficult, you simply didn't confront it. Well, at least, SHE didn't. What I wouldn't give to learn that trick now!

E if for Education: Here's something that has changed little. Momma thought that half your education happened in the classroom. The other half came from home and the outside world. Now schools want to try to be responsible for 100% of the education of our children, but they're only getting about 25% of it done. Momma taught me how to cook and sew and tend the home LONG before I got into home economics. I already knew how to read and write before kindergarten. I knew about history from the lives of my ancestors, and I knew about science from hunting and fishing and livestock and gardening and sitting out on the porch at night while Daddy pointed out the constellations.

F is for Fairness: Momma always told me that life wasn't fair. Nothing has changed.

G is for God: Momma thought that your relationship with God was forged inside the walls of your favorite house of worship. I think those walls are completely unneccesary and even a detriment to true faith.

H is for Hormones: The Big M. Spoken of only in whispers. If your doctor gave you hormones to help you during the dreaded change, you kissed his hands and thanked heaven for an understanding doctor. Believe it or not, some doctors prescribed Valium when their middle-aged female patients told of hot flashes, insomnia, mood swings, night sweats and an overwhelming desire to slap the shit of someone....anyone. Wow am I ever happy that attitude has changed! How could I possibly do my job on Valium?

I is for Intelligence: My Momma has actually said to me, "Boys don't like girls who are too smart." I rest my case.

J is for Join. Momma's generation were great joiners. I think it's because if they didn't join some committee or league or club, they would have to stay home and contemplate their housework. Some women my age have inherited this, but many more of us seem to get all the outside interaction we need at work. In THAT way, I'm a stay at home kind of Mom.

K is for Kids: My brothers were brought up to know how to do boy things. We girls were raised to know how to manage a household. I turned away from that philosophy on purpose.   I wanted them to know how to fix their cars and plumbing and building and hunting and fishing. It was also important to me that my sons know how to do their own laundry, including the ironing, to be able to prepare a decent meal, to figure out how to negotiate a grocery store. Because THIS Momma isn't going to be babying those little fledglings when they fly the nest.

L is for Love: Momma always told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She was wrong. See B.

M is for Masturbation. OK. Never mind. I bet you can figure this one out for yourself.

N is for Nice. Nice girls don't wear red nail polish. Nice girls wear high collars. Nice girls never swear. Nice girls nice girls nice girls. How about real WOMEN? I don't cuss in mixed company, although I am fluent in that language, too. I do wear red polish and I do have boob shirts, even though I don't wear them to work or PTA meetings. If I went to PTA meetings, that is. And I'm nice. I am! I'm as faithful as an old dog, I treat my husband nice in all the right ways and I'm a friend you can count on. The heck with nice girls. I'd rather be a real woman.

O is for Orgasm. Did she? I doubt it. I do. Lots.

P is for Polite: One day Mr. Rural and I went to a pizza buffet restaurant for lunch. There was only ONE, count them, ONE bread stick left in the bin. Momma's voice came through, loud and clear, "don't take that! It's the last one!" Now, I believe in manners, and I would not take the last Coors Light out of the fridge without checking to see if Mr. Rural wants half. But I paid my $5.99 and I took the last bread stick. So there, mom!!

Q is for Quiet. Children were to be seen and not heard. At all times. If we wanted to run around like a bunch of wild animals, we could darn well go down to the creek and do that. She may have had a point there.

R is for Respect. My children know that they better trot out the old, "Yes Ma'am" when I'm mad, but the rest of the time, we can joke around together. I couldn't kid much with Momma until I hit 30.

S is for Supervision: On any summer day, we had our breakfast and did our chores and we were free for the rest of the day. (I figured out later on that Momma was also therefore ...free). As long as we were home by dark-thirty, it was fine. Can you imagine doing that now? Oh, what a simpler time that was!

T is for Tension: In some ways, I wonder if my Momma ever really knew what stress was. She had her trials I know. How is it, though, that I do very nearly all the same things Momma did and a full time career, too? I can apples in the fall and I make bread on the weekends and I sew my own clothes. I have half as many children as she did, of course. My momma didn't have any hobbies, really, though and we lived too far out in the country for her to do any kind of weekly activity outside the home. She read a lot. Yeah. I don't have time to read. It must be that.

U is for Underwear:   We covered the girdle already (LOL). Momma would be astonished at my lingerie. My unmentionables are designed to show things off, not squeeze them, point them, flatten them or conceal them. They come in pretty colors and wild prints and none of them cross my heart. (Do you remember when bras were shown on mannequins or models, OVER their leotards? Ha ha ha. )

V is for Valium: I don't know if this is an improvement over Momma's day or not. Women today are not given a get-out-of-jail-free card called "hysteria" for our bad behavior. I don't want to stray onto a soap box here, because I do NOT believe that women patients are taken as seriously by the medical community as men are. But generally speaking, when life gets us down now, we don't get to call it a nervous condition or whatever. We have to down our Cabernet and get on with life. There isn't any time for a breakdown anymore. Hey! That's a full circle, because we're back to the pioneer days!

W is for Wallet: Most of us don't have to ask the breadwinner for our weekly allowance anymore. A great many of us ARE the breadwinner, sole or major, either one. And guess what! Women can manage finances as well as men do!

X is for X-rated: Momma would never have permitted a Playboy magazine in the house.  If anything half-way "racy" came across the airwaves, someone got up and changed the channel (do you remember having to do that?) Who cares now? I'm old enough to have figured out that my sons can get their hands on such things pretty easily. It's more about the example they have in life. Let them have the illusion for a while that women really look like that.

Z is for Zero. That's how many ideas I have for a Z word.

Love,
Rural Mom

Ideas About Marriage (and other relationships)

2010-03-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Yuppie Girl,

You didn't ask me, but as you know....that's never stopped me from telling you. :D As your marriage is ending and you face the prospect of new relationships, I wondered what advice I would give you if I were really your Mom. Well, since I'm your self-appointed Mom, I also granted myself the right to share some of my hare-brained notions with you.

I've been thinking about some of the things I have learned over the 25 years of my marriage. I don't exactly feel qualified to give marriage advice, since every marriage is different. And I am certainly not trying to say, hint, whisper, intimate or pretend that our marriage has been 100% smooth sailing. We had our stuff to work out, and I'm sure we'll have things to work out in the future.

However, we have figured out a thing or two that either worked well, or was so disastrous that we'll never do it again. Happily, we also learned a lot by the mistakes of others, and so decided to never do certain things. These are NOT in any kind of order of priority....just a random jotting down of some of our decisions over the years. Maybe these tips would only really work if you start out a relationship with them in mind. But maybe not. Maybe any marriage can find a message in here.

We agreed from the beginning that we were not going to throw the "D word" around carelessly. Words have power and if marital arguments include threats of divorce, eventually that starts working around in your brain. The more you say it, the more approachable and acceptable it becomes. I think it's almost like you are talking yourself into it. On the flip side, if you keep hearing the word thrown around, you start thinking they really mean it. We wanted to make sure that if the D word ever showed up, we would know to take it very seriously.
Because words do have so much power, be mindful of your words! It isn't only what you say, it's how you say it. There is a world of difference between saying, "Is something wrong?" and "What's your problem?" On the other hand, if your spouse asks you what your problem is, maybe he wants to know what is wrong, and is just being careless about how he says it. Try to hear things in the most positive way possible, before you rip off his head.
We also started out with an agreement that a bar is not a good place to nurture a marriage. Mr. Rural watched his parents and a lot of their friends split up, and the first fissures started in the bar. Everyone got friendly, inhibitions loosened up and decision-making skills faltered in a fog of inebriation. We weren't willing to throw away our marriage on a lifestyle of poor choices. Though we do occasionally go out, it is very rare that we go to a bar. Besides, who needs a DUI?
This tidbit came from my Mom: if you can't live with the person's flaws, habits, etc. RIGHT NOW, then don't marry them. If you marry someone with the intention of changing them or "fixing" them, then don't bother getting married. Mr. Rural doesn't exactly agree with this advice, because he is more of a black-and-white person than I am. He believes that you can expect certain changes and should. He is right about that, but I am talking more about the basic qualities of a person. If I was irritated by a man who did everything like he was a mission, I would be stark raving mad my now. I also think that if you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your loved one's appearance, you darn well better make peace with it. If you find yourself forever wishing he had blond hair or she had a J-Lo butt, either get over it or get gone. Big trees of discontentment can grow from little seeds of displeasure. Sort it out early.
No name-calling. No a-hole, bitch, nag, bastard, jerk, nothing. Long after the fight is over, the name will be remembered and it will still hurt. Don't do it.
Put your marriage first. Before your friends, before your birth family, before your children. All the rest will enjoy a better relationship with you if you have your priorities straight. Obviously, I don't mean that you should neglect your children or your parents. Let them come between you, though, and I promise you will see the wisdom of my words. How many couples do you know who look up one day after the children are gone, and don't know what to say to each other? Don't let that happen to you.
Be respectful. Don't blab the secrets of your spouse, or private matters. Don't speak poorly or make fun of your spouse behind their back. Speak respectfully to them. Even when you're mad at them. Pay attention to them when they speak to you. (I have a little trouble with this one.... my scattered brain can sometimes have trouble narrowing down to just the one conversation. Buy I try!).
Never ever EVER discount the importance of your sex life. There. I said it. It matters a lot. To be very blunt, good sex can give you a reason, even the reason, to weather the storms. Forget the excuses, make it a priority and put as much of your heart and soul into your sex life as you do everything else.
One of the things that was the most difficult for me was reconciling my expectations with the realities. I expected Mr. Rural to do things or say things that were what I thought defined love. He did other things instead, and I failed to notice what he was doing. The reverse is also true. I was showing him love in the way I expected to be shown, and not always in the ways that were meaningful to him. (See previous tip!!) In a perfect world, you will both figure out a good balance between getting the demonstrations of love that mean the most to you, while giving the ones that mean the most to them.
This is going to sound like it's straight out of the 50s, but stay with me. I really truly believe that those little demonstrations of connectedness are very important. Taking a moment to throw on some blush, or to tuck your shirt back in, to get off your bottom and go kiss him goodbye, or opening the door for her....those little things are the things that show your spouse that they are present in your thoughts. Make the effort to do your makeup even when you're staying home all weekend, or remembering to splash on a little cologne or whatever reminds your spouse that THEY ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. If you are willing to put some effort into going to work or to the mall, you should put at least that much effort into staying home with your love. I can't tell you what specific things are going to make the difference to them, I can only promise you that no one likes to be on the bottom of a priority list.
To women: men are comparitively simple. They might seem hard to figure out, but trust me. When a man seems distant and unloving, it probably just means that he got his clock cleaned at basketball. If all fails, fall back on the trusty BJ and see if things don't get back on course. If he asks you if you're OK and you say, "I'm fine.", he will accept that answer at face value. You know you aren't fine, so just balls up, girlfriend, and tell him what you want him to know. It isn't fair to expect him to navigate the estrogen-waters of your complicated heart. Just tell him.
To men: we don't mind you checking out other women NEARLY as much if you make us feel beautiful every day. If you're in a bad mood because you missed your a shot at a deer, tell us that so that we don't wander off down bunny trails of implied problems. Never, ever offer us a Midol when we're mad at you, even if you are 100% sure it's PMS talking. And do not confuse a need to vent with a request for a solution.
One last word of (dare I say it?) advice. Be careful about criticizing your spouse's parents or siblings. Tell me that you hate my Mom, and you are basically saying that you hate half of me. Treacherous ground, wouldn't you say?

Love,
Rural Mom

Two Kinds of.....

2010-01-20T16:01:00.000-08:00

Just for fun.... I thought I'd give you some of my favorite "There are two kinds of......" . Yeah, yeah, we all know there's usually more than two kinds of something, but this is for fun!

There are two kinds of men in the world: the tough guy who wouldn't go to a doctor if he cut off his own arm, and the whiney butt who wants to be babied if he gets a splinter.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who admit they love junk food, and fibbers.

There are two kinds of kids in the world: wonderful, angelic, intelligent children (mine), and everyone else's kids.

There two kinds of jobs in the world: the kind you work at, and the kind that work at you.

Two kinds of women in the world: strong, capable, resourceful, insightful, beautiful, brilliant women.....and brilliant, beautiful, insightful, resourceful, capable and strong women.

Two kinds of bras in the world: industrial-strength rack 'em up bras, and pretty, lacy what's-the-point? bras.

Two kinds of happiness: the kind you make for yourself, and the kind you sit around forever waiting to happen.

Two stages of life: growing up and falling apart.

Two kinds of friends: the kind you have for hanging out with, and the kind you have for life.

Two kinds of women's shoes: sexy stilettoes and I-give-up shoes.

Two kinds of people: the ones who think that their high school diploma is a form that exempts them from learning any more, or the ones who learn all through their lives.

Love,
Rural Mom

2010!

2010-01-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Rural Mom,

First, I'd like to start off by saying how much I LOVE the new look of our blog :)

Second, I am in dire need of getting some thoughts down in writing . .the context of your post below and the question you posed to me are exactly what's running through my mind right now . . . forcing me to stay awake.

2010. Wow! The start of a new decade.

You hit the nail on the head Rural Mom . . we are both going to be venturing out on new, exciting, and scary roads this year. I almost can't wait to look back and reflect! LoL How is that for getting ahead of myself?

So to answer your question below, I have alot of goals this year for sure. But you said it perfectly already. My main goal is to become reaquainted with my heart. With who I am. Face down the parts of me I need to change and embrace the parts that scare the heck out of me. Develop confidence in my choices. In my actions.

At the end of this year . .I want to be able to pull myself out of the pile of emotions and changes I'm currently treading through and reveal ME. Of course you'll have to stay tuned to learn just who or what exactly I mean by "ME" . . that part I'm still trying to figure out :)

And aside from that internal journey? I want to embark on some pretty gnarly adventures :) horseback riding lessons, hiking, rock climbing, skiing . . .maybe even piano lessons and cooking lessons to round me out a bit. I sure do wish you and I lived closer. I'd not only make you teach me a new word each day . . but I'd make you teach me how to become a better cook!

By the way Rural Mom . .it's about time you start putting more focus on your writing :) Oh and congratulations on your 25th Anniversary!! And as far as becoming an empty nester . . I look forward to hearing about your experience through that. What you and your husband are able to "re-learn" about each other . .as a couple and as individuals.

In a sense . .we are both empty nesters this year. No one to really take care of but ourselves (of course your hubby needs some lovin . .but you get what I'm saying right?). I know I'm only 27 but I can't remember the last time I only had to worry about myself. Ever since I was little I remember worrying and protecting and fretting over my sister and my dad . . much like a little mother hen. And then I got married and he just fit right into my little coven of people to take care of.

Somewhere along the way . .I lost myself. I look forward to finding her again.

So here is to Me and You . .the exciting things we may discover and/or rediscover!

How exciting!!!

xoxo,
Yuppie Girl

Choices

2010-01-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Yuppie Girl!

A New Year. A NEW Year! This is going to be a big new year for both of us, for different reasons.

For you, it's the first new year in a new YOU. A newly-single you. What lies ahead for you? I think I know you well enough to know that this is going to a be a year of getting reacquainted with your own heart and soul. And guess what?! I think you're going to really like yourself!

For me, it's a different year of firsts....and lasts. Our baby turns 18, graduates high school and has plans to go to school in your neighborhood. That would make us empty-nesters. Wow. In a few weeks, we will have been married for 25 years. We're going to spend a few days in Las Vegas. That'll be the first time we've been there alone.

You know me well, and you know I don't make New Year's Resolutions. But I do have some goals for this year. I'm going to finish the first draft of my novel. YES! I am! I am going to start using moisturizer. At least around my eyes. No crow's feet yet, but I thought I'd head them off at the pass. Really, the important thing I want to accomplish this year is related to that first thing: I want to write more. I want to get reconnected to the author's voice inside my head.

What about you? Do you make resolutions, or have a few goals, or just fly by the seat of your little size-4 pants?

Love,
Rural Mom

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

From the Generation Gap Girls!

Holiday Time

2009-12-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

You asked a very interesting question, Yuppie Girl, because only last night I realized something about myself which I probably should have discovered LONG ago. You would think that by the time you reach your mid-40s, there would be no more discoveries, right? Wrong!

I am absolutely, horrendously afraid....to fail. Seriously. I start getting sick to my stomach and a little clammy around the middle. My pulse quickens and my blood pressure rises and I even tremble at the thought of failing at something.

Don't give me that "nobody likes to fail" line. I think maybe it's worse than that.

You see, I worry enough about failure that if I take on something new, I throw myself into it wholeheartedly. Meanwhile, I can't let go of anything else that is already on my plate, because that would be failing, too. By the end of the day, I am so spent that I fail to sleep, for worrying about what might be slipping through the cracks.

Worse...I think I avoid a lot of things because I am not sure I will succeed at them. It's only partly that I am sensible about how much I can truly devote to something. If I don't think that there is a good chance of success, I avoid it like I avoid my mother-in-law.

What am I missing in life? How many things could I be experiencing if I could just learn to embrace failure, or treat failure like a learning opportunity? Is it really so bad to fail?

My heart of hearts is screaming, "YESSSS it's really SO bad to fail!!! You CAN'T let yourself fail!!!"

Love, Rural Mom

The Holidays

2009-12-08T06:53:00.001-08:00

Dear Rural Mom,

LOVED your Thanksgiving memory. Warm fuzzies surrounded me just reading it ...until I got to the last few paragraphs! But in all seriousness, the beginning sounded straight out of a movie!

For whatever reason, Thanksgiving was a holiday my family rarely gathered for and after my mom died I almost came to dread the holiday. But Christmas . .well that is another story, my family was always able to pull that off! Of course when I married the man I am now separated from . . his family had movie type of holidays. The kind where you sit around the dining room table and sing carols while someone played the piano in the background. I remember my first experience with his family . . I felt very . . out of place. It was a weird moment of experiencing exactly what I wanted but yet still feeling very uncomfortable with it.

Now that I am "single", the holidays this year are different. My Thanksgiving this time around was . . .better than I could ever imagine. I flew back home and spent it with my aunt and cousins. I remember thinking how nice it was to actually spend a holiday with MY family as we always spent the holidays with his family. Mainly . . because deep down I was ashamed that my family wouldn't measure up to his . .amazing right?

And now . . .Christmas awaits us in just a few weeks. I can't wait until it's over. I know my mood has alot to do with my personal situation of being separated/divorced but the other part of it . .is also just sick of the whole Christmas scene.

Wow. . .I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed! I didn't mean to turn this post into a depressing tale!!

So Rural Mom . .I have a question for you . . let's backtrack a bit and recapture the year.

How has 2009 added to your life? Were there any moments of personal growth? Any a-ha moments you just have to share? Any life altering experiences? Anything???

xoxo,
Yuppie Girl

A Thanksgiving Memory

2009-11-24T14:48:00.000-08:00

Hi, Yuppie Girl!

It's almost Thanksgiving and it's a big day for me this year! We are having our feast on Friday night, because our military son will be HOME for the holiday...for the first time since 2005. I'm glad I bought a big turkey, because that boy can eat! Having the feast on Friday also means that, for the first time since I went back to work after 10 years as a stay-at-home mom, I'll have time to prepare for the day. Gotta love that.

Thanksgiving is a pretty big deal in our family, partly because I love to cook but mostly because we all love to eat. You won't find any store-bought pies or cheater mashed potatoes or canned cranberry sauce at our table. My Momma is an excellent cook, and she taught me to take our feasts seriously.

So I was thinking about a Thanksgiving celebration we had when I was about 13 or 14. All of our relatives from overseas were staying with our nearby relatives, and everyone was expected at Momma's house for the holiday. It was enough relatives that my brothers and sister AND my uncle and grandma who lived next door...all went to the city to help haul them all up into the mountains to our house.

Momma got up well before dawn, because she had two turkeys and a ham to get going. She made the dressing, stuffed the birds, basted them and fired up the ovens. Then she started making the rolls, a "refrigerator" recipe that could rise all day in the fridge, until she popped them into the oven after the turkeys were done.

She made two chocolate cream pies and two banana cream pies to go with the apple, cherry, pecan and pumpkin pies that she had made the day before. Then she woke me up, and we started polishing the silverware, shining the stemware and peeling potatoes.

Then the dawn started to break and we realized for the first time that it was snowing, and apparantly had been for a while. There was at least a foot of snow already at dawn. It snowed and it snowed and it snowed. And then the sun came out for about an hour, until the next wave of the storm blew in and turned all the melted surfaces into solid ice.

There we sat that evening, Momma, Daddy and me. We had somewhere around 40 relatives stranded on the other side of a snow-filled pass. We also had 12 pies, two turkeys, one ham, a mess of potatoes, a huge bowl of cranberry relish, about 5 dozen rolls, enough stuffing to fill the trunk of a Buick, and bucket loads of olives and pickles and other relish items. Momma, Daddy and me.

And it was still snowing.

Two weeks later, the pass between our house and where the rest of the rellies were stranded....opened. By this time we had eaten turkey sandwiches, turkey salad, turkey tetrazzini, turkey soup, turkey ala king, turkey pot pie, turkey and rice and turkey and dumplings and turkey-chip cookies. Holy shit, did we eat a lot of turkey: breakfast, lunch and dinner for two weeks. Momma emptied everything she could think of out of the freezer to fit some turkey in there, and still we ate turkey. Oh, and our dog? Cinnamon? He had a tender stomach and turkey made him barf. He mostly ate ham and potatoes.

I never thought I could get tired of pie, but I could. I have to hand it to Momma, she was very creative about it. She thought of more ways to use turkey than anyone would believe. (She was a frugal woman, too.) All the years past, when the turkey meat was all picked off the carcass, Momma would scold us kids: "Don't throw those bones away.... they make good soup later on." (From Momma, that came out: "Dunt Trowe dose bones a-vay. Dey make good zoop later on.") This time, she threw the turkey carcasses as far down into the trash bin as she could manage without stepping on it. Two weeks of straight turkey was enough.

Brothers and sister finally walked in the door, refugees of two weeks at Auntie's house. Oldest brother asked if there were any left overs. Momma just glared at him. Second-oldest brother asked if we had saved him any pie. We all glared at him.

Sister asked, "Didn't you even save the bones for soup?"

Love,
Rural Mom

Generation after Generation

2009-11-22T14:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Rural Mom,

Being the social yuppie that I am . . . my time has been consumed by work and play. . .I'm still trying to find that balance . .which I feel will forever elude me (hhmm sounds like this could be our next discussion?!?)

So, even though it's been awhile this post is in response to your "Generation Y - The Recession" post.

Can I just say that I love you?

Your response was perfect.

Often I feel so many people of your generation and previous generations mock, blame, ridicule, and tear apart my generation claiming we lack self responsibility etc etc.

Of course we do . . but we didn't get where we are today alone. . . ya'll definitely helped.

So what's the bottom line?

The bottom line is that in the end it doesn't really matter who we point the finger at because we all played a very important part.

You truly asked the most important question at the end of your response, which was "what is going to happen (and what should we do) until the next generation finds their wits to right what we've done wrong?"

I wish I had an answer. I truly do. It's a tad scary and overwhelming to think about all of the possible consequences. But the only thing I know is what I can do and hope that it has a domino affect. I know I can't dwell in the what ifs and waste time pointing the finger at the idiots around me. . .because if you think about it . . doing that makes me just as unproductive.

I just gotta wake up each day and hit the ground running.

xoxo,
Yuppie Girl

Hump Day

2009-11-18T15:12:00.000-08:00

I think Rural Mom needs a massage. A glass (or 3) of sweet white wine. Some good music. And no more telephones.

Just thought I'd share.

Love,
Rural Mom

Generation Y and the Recession

2009-11-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

You said it all, little sister: "I love my generation. Truly I do. But we are the biggest group of people I know who look at life from an "instant gratification - let's ride the elevator to the top instead of climbing the ladder - and do [insert whatever] as fast n' easy as possible with little physical or mental effort" perspective."

I don't believe in blanket-statements either, and the fact is that Mr. Rural and I did raise our kids differently than other parents our age were doing. And I know that you were not brought up the way most of your peers were, so bear that in mind, too. When I say "we" and "you", I AM making a blanket generalization.

But speaking as a member of my generation: It is our fault...we, your parents. We raised you up to have a sense of entitlement. We raised your generation to believe that they didn't need to earn an allowance, or to contribute to the family's well-being by doing chores. We taught you to believe that you could behave how you wished, talked as you pleased and have whatever you wanted.

When you misbehaved in school, we blamed the teacher and said you wouldn't have done whatever you were accused of. We told the teachers that we would sue the socks off of them if they paddled you, and created a school room full of smart-mouth kids who knew they could get away with anything.

If you got caught shoplifting, we bailed you out, blamed the cops for picking on you and then bought you whatever you'd swiped. We bought you a first car that was better than what we ourselves were driving, paid for your gas, insurance and your speeding tickets. We applied for yet another credit card (the old ones were maxed out) so you could have a prom dress from a designer and go in a limo.

If you didn't make the cheer squad, we confronted whoever made that choice with ugly accusations. We made excuses for you when you failed a class, or were disrespectful to us, or vandalized the school as a "prank". We called it bi-polar, ADD or ADHD instead of spoiled. When you got caught using drugs, we blamed it on the crowd and not on your own decisions. We sent you to counseling when we should have hauled you out to the woodshed.

And then we sent you out into the world. You thought that life would always go your way. Nothing in your experience had ever told you that life was not fair. We bailed you out of your credit card trouble (maybe more than once). We paid your rent and commented how hard it is for young folks to make a living nowadays, even though we noticed that you had a big-screen TV, a Nintendo-something, a Playstation AND a Wii, plus a wide-screen laptop, a high-end latte machine and leather theater seating.

If we, your parents, had ever said, "You've made your bed; now lie in it." If we had ever said, "No." and stuck to our guns. If we'd ever said, "If you want the Nike Airs, you'll have to get a job to pay for them." We didn't do that. We gave and gave and excused and enabled and spoiled a generation rotten. We gave you medication instead of discipline, more activities instead of structure and material goods instead of values. We didn't smack you upside the head when you were disrespectful to your grandparents or your teacher. We allowed you to treat us like crap, because we wanted to be your friend, instead of your parent.

We didn't teach you how to work. We bought into the preposterous notion that it takes a village to raise a child. It doesn't. It takes parents who PARENT. Parents who teach their children that they are required to respect their elders, pull their weight and do their damn chores. Parents who are willing to do the hard stuff: discipline their children and mean it.

I'm not going to say that this is something new. This has happened before in the history of the world. When we become too cool for old-fashioned ideas like respect, honor, morality and responsibility, we set ourselves up for a trip down the slippery slope of economic, moral and cultural decline.

I DO believe, however, that there is a minority who will find the way to rise above. I think that there are some people who either raised by parents different than the "we" I talked about above, or at least had the influence of grandparents or friend's parents and know that there is another way to live. What worries me is, what happens until that golden day, when your generation and mine find our wits, take responsibility and take action?

Love,
Rural Mom

Generation Y - Echo Boomers

2009-11-15T14:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Rural Mom,

In your post below you posed me the following thought provoking question:

"do you think the young men and women of your generation would still be willing to go anywhere, do anything, just to find work? I know you well enough to know that you would work ten minimum-wage jobs before you'd go to the welfare office. But what do you think of the work ethic and the tenacity of other people your age?"

Now . . . . .before I answer you know I despise blanket statements. I understand there are exceptions to the rule. BUT (you knew this was coming right?!) I have to be painfully honest.

I love my generation. Truly I do. But we are the biggest group of people I know who look at life from an "instant gratification - let's ride the elevator to the top instead of climbing the ladder - and do [insert whatever] as fast n' easy as possible with little physical or mental effort" perspective.

So do I think the majority of my generation would work ten jobs before applying for welfare? No, I don't.

I think my generation feels entitled to having "their dream job" and "living life to the fullest" . . RIGHT NOW.

People of my generation would more than likely sit in their apartment living off of welfare or whatever other aide they qualify for while they wait for their "dream job" to come along from the thousands of resumes they sent out to career builder and monster.com.

I mean . . after all . . we didn't go to college and take out thousands of dollars in loans for our "degree" to work at Starbucks right? Oh no sister . . we deserve the best and we will not settle for or work for less.

Oh and while we're sitting in that apartment just waiting? . . we are also still living as if we make $40,000+ a year . . pedicures, happy hour, and shoes galore . . to which I give a big fat sarcastic thanks to the credit card companies.

But you know what? With the economy the way it is right now? I have faith it will push us onto our bottoms and then force us to stand up. And when we do stand up . .we may be knee deep in debt but we'll have learned from our mistakes. We will be armed with knowledge acquired by experience, which will help us make right what we did wrong.

Right now we are seekers of instant gratification . . . but due to the current recession and the new "green movement" . . I truly do see a change taking place.

There is hope for us yet.

So ok Rural Mom . . I want to know what YOU think about my generation. Do you think the current recession can change us?

xoxo,
Yuppie Girl

1929 All Over Again

2009-11-11T07:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Yuppie Girl;

Hello dear friend! I'd like your opinion on something. I've been thinking about what happened during our country's previous economic problems. My Dad was born the same year the Wall Street crashed, so I grew up hearing stories of what life was like for him and his family.

As part of FDR's "New Deal", they formed the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) to try to deal with some of our country's environmental issues and employ young men who were jobless at that time. These boys joined the CCC and went away to a camp which was much like an army camp. They worked at jobs which they maybe had no experience, and they got fed and paid. Many of our nation's hiking trails, national parks amenities and much of our flood-control system is thanks to the CCC. There were over 60 CCC camps here in our state.

I saw an interview with a man who had been in the CCC. When he turned 16, as the oldest child in his family, his parents sat him down and pretty much said, "We can't afford to feed you anymore. You'll have to go out and make your own way in the world." He left home and lived as a hobo for a year, until he found out about the CCC. It was a godsend for him and so many like him.

When the government under Herbert Hoover finally approved the funds to build a great dam across the Colorado River, to irrigate the desert and control the flooding, tens of thousands of people left their dustbowl homes and went to Las Vegas. They camped in the desert for as much as a year, waiting for construction to start. Those men (few of whom were experienced dam builders) worked at some of the hardest jobs imaginable, in terrible heat and without adequate water. It was the only job around.

So here's my question: do you think the young men and women of your generation would still be willing to go anywhere, do anything, just to find work? I know you well enough to know that you would work ten minimum-wage jobs before you'd go to the welfare office. But what do you think of the work ethic and the tenacity of other people your age?

Love,

Rural Mom

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Rural Mom

2009-11-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

Hmmm. Very difficult questions! ARRggHH! The pressure!

1. Would you consider yourself a leader or a follower? Why? I don't think I'm really either one. I tend to lead more than follow, but I prefer to go my own way and leave others to go theirs. I believe that makes me a seeker...or selfish?

2. What would you just absolutely love to get paid to do? That is a no-brainer for me. I would love to get paid to write. Of course, I want to write I want, not technical manuals for undertakers or something.

3. What is ONE thing marriage has taught you about yourself? One serious thing is that I am one opinionated girl. I used to think I was just right. Now I know I'm opinionated. One funny thing is that I really do have a dirty mind.

4. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why? If I could really DO it, I'd live way back in the woods some place, by a river or a lake, miles from anyone, with no neighbors. It would be a place with a great view and lots of wildlife (only the mild kinds of wildlife, though). And a house that was comfortable and easy to keep warm.

5. If you could change one thing (physical or character) about yourself what would it be and why? OK, I know it's shallow. But I would love to have great hair. My character flaws are something I can work on myself, but my hair is what it is. :-(

6. What is ONE physical thing you love about yourself? My size. I haven't changed very much in that in my life. When I started putting on a little weight after 40...it all landed pretty well in the right spots.

7. What would be your perfect vacation? My perfect vacation. My perfect vacation? I think it would be at some remote cabin, with Mr. Rural, lots of time and a laptop so I could write.

8. What is your main pet peeve and why? Honestly? Stupidity. Plain and simple. Stupid manifests itself in so many ways, from driving as if you are the only person on the road, to voting for a president because you think he's cute. Boil it all down and what do you get? Stupid. Drives me nuts.

9. What is your most favorite food to eat? Oh, this is a hard question! I love all kinds of foods! I don't have much of a sweet tooth, so I don't go for the candy dish right off. I love veggies and good breads or a good steak or.... I guess my favorite indulgence food might be Marzetti's Marinated Garlic-stuffed Green Olives (in California Chardonnay). OMG they are so good. But I can't eat them often because Mr. Rural is deeply offended by garlic. Offended enough that I wouldn't get any. And I don't mean olives.

10. If you could give one piece of advice to the people of my generation . . what would you say? Now there's a loaded question! I would like to tell you about living a balanced life or conducting yourself with honor, but maybe there is one universal truth that everyone can use. It's the same advice that I received as a young adult.

You are responsible for your own happiness. It doesn't come with more stuff or more status. It doesn't happen because someone else makes you happy. You're the only one who can do it. I hear people say, "If I could just get that job (or lose that weight or go to Spain or...) I'd really be happy." It's fine to have goals like that, but you can't postpone being a happy person until you reach some goal. Happy is here and now and you have to choose it every single day. And I don't mean at the expense of others. It isn't about selfishing doing whatever you want. It's about connecting to others on a significant level, and looking at your world with clear vision to see all the beauty and joy that surrounds you. You don't have to live in some Malibu beach house to get that beauty. It's there in the full moon rising above your neighbor's house, and it's there in the cartoon in the newspaper that makes you laugh out loud. It's your responsibility to find it, embrace it, internalize it, and LIVE IT.

How was that for a lecture? :-)

Love,

Rural Mom

Let's Get to Know Rural Mom Too . .

2009-11-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

Hi Rural Mom!

I think it's only fair I get to ask you ten little questions too so that our readers really know what they are getting between the two of us :-)

So . .here goes!

1. Would you consider yourself a leader or a follower? Why?

2. What would you just absolutely love to get paid to do?

3. What is ONE thing marriage has taught you about yourself?

4. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

5. If you could change one thing (physical or character) about yourself what would it be and why?

6. What is ONE physical thing you love about yourself?

7. What would be your perfect vacation?

8. What is your main pet peeve and why?

9. What is your most favorite food to eat?

10. If you could give one piece of advice to the people of my generation . . what would you say?

Have at it Rural Mom! I can't wait to read your answers!!

xoxo,

Yuppie Girl

Ok Rural Mom . . . Hear Me Out!

2009-11-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

What is the most daring thing you have ever done? I would have to say the most daring thing I've done is choose to separate/divorce my husband. And by daring I don't mean in an "I don't care" way, I mean daring in that it was a risk. A scary risk. A door that opens up every obstacle and opportunity possible. A daring admission of internal honesty.

What do you think would be the perfect pet for you? The perfect pet right? Not necessarily a realistic pet? :-) The perfect pet would be an adorable yorkie that never barked, used the toilet, could feed itself, and knew just when to cuddle up next to me.

Suppose God told you, “Yuppie Girl, I want you to appoint an 11th commandment”, what would you choose? Thou shall engage the brain on a daily basis

What is your least favorite chore? Laundry. It never ends. Ever. It chains me to home as I wait for the dryer to get done so the clothes don't get wrinkly.

What did you have for dinner last night? My usual! Nachos !!

If you believed in reincarnation, what were you in your previous life? hhmm...good question!! I'm not sure! Wow. I suppose my first instinct is that I grew up poor. Maybe with a hard life even in adulthood. And I think I say that because for some reason I've always had this strong sense of self responsibility in every which way. An ambitious drive. A cautious nature. An appreciation for hard work. Oh . . and I think I might have been male :-) sometimes I think I lack the sensitive emotional ways of most women . .or maybe I just hide it better. Probably both.

Describe your perfect Saturday. Ahh..being able to sleep in as late as I want. And then when I do wake up? Coffee and a good book. Then an awesome hike or bike ride. And then? A wine night with my girls complete with love and laughter.

Would you want to be President of the United States? Why or why not?Oh man . my first thought was no way. But now that I'm actually thinking about it more in depth . . sure . .why not? I can whip this country into shape . .I just need to get rid of my huge desire to please people :-)

What are you going to be like when you are old? As active as I can possibly be. Independent, confident, secure, sassy, loud, fun, bold, and current with the fashion trends . . lol . . no grandma clothes for me :-)

What is the ONE THING that pisses you off more than anything else in traffic? The ONE thing? What if I have ONE thousand things? I suppose I'd have to say people who weave in and out of traffic . . as if they are really going to get where they need to be any faster by swerving back and forth, in and out of lanes. Puh-lease. All you're going to get are a few bald tires and bad gas mileage. Oh . and me . .pissed off :-)

xoxo,

Yuppie Girl

So, tell me, Yuppie Girl..... ?

2009-11-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

Hi, Yuppie Girl!

We did it! We started our very first team blog! Each of us posted a short welcome/self-introduction, but I think we can share a little more of ourselves.

Can ask you a few questions, to help our readers get to know you better? Yes, I knew you'd agree, because you're so agreeable! Ten short questions, but answer at whatever length you need. Please use a Ticonderoga #2 pencil, filling in the bubble completely. Eyes on your own paper, please, and raise your hand if your require assistance.

What is the most daring thing you have ever done?

What do you think would be the perfect pet for you?

Suppose God told you, “Yuppie Girl, I want you to appoint an 11th commandment”, what would you choose?

What is your least favorite chore?

What did you have for dinner last night?

If you believed in reincarnation, what were you in your previous life?

Describe your perfect Saturday.

Would you want to be President of the United States? Why or why not?

What are you going to be like when you are old?

What is the ONE THING that pisses you off more than anything else in traffic?

Love,

Rural Mom

Yuppie Girl Welcomes You Too :-)

2009-11-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

It should go without saying . . . but I'm the younger of the Generation Gap Girls. On the edge of divorce with a man I've known for 9 years and married to for 4. I live in the city and work in an office where I get paid too much to drink coffee and crunch numbers. Living a balanced life with intention is my desire. But I can't deny the fact that I tend to view life from a cynical angle as I run on my treadmill, book in my left hand, cookie in my right, and my eyes two hours ahead.

Life is short and the path we walk on is full of surprises. Join us as we walk down it hand in hand, yet miles apart.

xoxo,
Yuppie Girl

Hello! Welcome!

2009-11-09T13:11:00.000-08:00

Let me introduce myself! I am the older of the Generation Gap Girls. I'm a rural mom, a full-time professional woman, and soon to be an empty nester. I'm a little irreverant, and a little conservative, too. I like to laugh, and read, and eat, and write. I hope you enjoy our little blog.

Love,

Rural Mom